Shame and criticism

Shame and criticism-based motivation works – until it doesn’t.

I recently had the chance to participate in a hashtag#YPO Pacific West event with @Dr. Kristin Neff, renown self-compassion researcher.

A group of us were talking about why the concept of Self-Compassion hasn’t taken off quite as much in the business world as other practices like mindfulness and vulnerability.

What made me slow to the practice is something I see in most of my high-performing CEO/Founder clients: we have a belief that self-compassion is equivalent to complacency. That it’s soft at best, weak at worst.

We’ve developed a belief that our shame and criticism-based motivation is what gives us our “edge.” There is a fear that we won’t be the same people on the other side of being kind to ourselves.

There are now over 7,000 pieces of research on self-compassion, offering evidence-based proof that practicing self-compassion can result in higher levels of well-being, mentally and emotionally, increased EQ, and promote advanced levels of grit and motivation.

According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion is “one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available.” So why do so many of us struggle with the concept of being kind to ourselves in moments of failure or struggle?

Some of us equate self-compassion with self-pity. Self-pity is putting yourself in victim mode, thinking someone or something will come to your rescue. Self-compassion is about recognizing your struggle, and meeting yourself with kindness and understanding, like you would a friend or family member you love.  It’s about setting and keeping boundaries and knowing your own limits.

But for most of us, the internal voice that we use to speak to ourselves is not nice or compassionate.  It’s the loud angry fan shouting from the stands, always criticizing our last play, shaming us for screwing it up and telling us to pull it together and WIN.

Our focus on winning is what keeps us chasing self-esteem, which is based on our achievements in comparison to others, versus self-compassion, which accepts our own worthiness just because we are human beings in the world.

No score board necessary.

Shame and harsh self-criticism can absolutely work for shorter term motivation, but any motivation that is fear-based has an expiration date because it limits our sense of individual freedom.  We intuitively know that we’re being held down or held back by something unfairly, even if it’s our own beliefs. That perceived loss of autonomy can lead us to rebel, and sometimes in ways that are destructive to our goals.  We burn out, get sick, destroy relationships, then wonder how we got to this place of deep unhappiness. If we’re leaders, we spill that all over our teams and our cultures.

If you can’t let yourself win, how can you let anyone else win?

Leaders who aren't self compassionate build shame and blame work cultures.

We need to do our own work first.